Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Universal Truths

The longer I am a mom, the more I realize there are some things in life that don't go as planned.
As I learn to let go of the little things, the more I realize that you have to laugh at the small things.
I've also learned that I live Murphy's Law sometimes, I think we all do from time to time so I thought I'd share a few of them with you.

1.  If you are allergic to every tree in North America it only makes sense that you will move to the Evergreen State!

2.  No matter how much you think your child will love the toy you searched high and low and finally purchased; your child will always, always, like the box better.

3.  Car keys are sometimes a great toy to distract a child - just make sure they don't put them in their mouths - gouging the inside of the mouth can be a serious wound.

4. If you purchase an expensive bottle of shampoo - the children will always be sure to dump THAT expensive bottle into the bottom of the tub instead of the cheap $1 bottle you bought for them.

5.  When you think you've taught your child not to take something that isn't theirs (i.e. shoplifting)  you will find something they have stolen from the store.  And of course, the store they take it from requires a 30 minute drive to return the item and make them apologize.

6.  Just because your child stays up until midnight does not mean they will sleep late in the morning no matter how much you wish they would.

7.  The one weekend you have nothing planned is the weekend that your children will get sick - all of them at the same time and leave you with massive loads of laundry and thus destroying your dreams of a lazy weekend in bed.

8.  The cable will always go out in the middle of your favorite television show AND you'll have to wait for it to go into syndication to find out how it ends.  Granted this one was more likely to happen before the Internet.

9.  No matter how nice their bed is, your child will find the oddest places to decide to sleep.  This accomplishes two things for your child.  First, it means you will go gray that much faster as you frantically search your house and try to find them.  Second, it means they will be keeping you on your toes for years to come!  I promise.

10.  No matter how many places you search for your child they will almost always be in the clothing rack you didn't search at the mall clothing store!

11.  About the time you think you are going to go crazy because you can't find your child after they sneak off from a public restroom - people will find said child sitting quietly in a bathroom stall in a kangaroo seat swinging their legs and singing Jesus Loves Me.  Oh yes, and before they find your child they will close down the visitor's center where you child has disappeared making sure no one can exit or enter until your child is found all because she decided she wanted to have some fun!

12.  Never laugh at the parent whose child comes running down the slide naked in a McDonald's Play Place.  It is almost certain that your child will do it shortly afterwards.

13.  You shouldn't judge the harried parent whose child is screaming in the grocery store.  This is true for several reasons.  First, The child may be special needs and you are making the parents life more difficult with your judgements.  Second, Maybe the child is having an off day or it's nap time or worse, maybe there is a huge change going on and the child is just expressing his or her frustration.  Finally, When you judge someone you open yourself up to walk a mile in their shoes and that special needs child you thought was a brat could be your child someday or grandchild.

14.  Children are a blessing and a lot of work, enjoy the precious moments you have with them, they pass way to quickly.

15.  When you are a teenager and think your mom doesn't know what she's talking about when she's trying to keep you safe with your boyfriend.  It comes back and bites you in the butt because your teenager won't listen to you either.

16.  Your breasts will always leak at an important event or someone's child will cry causing you to leak when you least expect it and at the worst possible moment!

17.  You will go on a small getaway with your spouse to get a break from the kids and discover that all you do is talk about the kids!  Oh and you'll leave that great five star hotel just because you miss your kids too much and you'll leave a day before you  have to check out.

18.  The great five star hotel you booked for a great price?  You'll discover that you liked the La Quinta hotel better because it has an actual flat screen TV AND it serves breakfast, unlike the so called amazing hotel that would have cost you an arm and a leg w/o a good deal.   Oh and the water at the La Quinta Inn is actually free - the water at the posh hotel is $6 a bottle.

19.  You're newborn will always have a blowout diaper on the outfit you carefully picked out for their photos BEFORE you get to the photo place.  Every blasted time!

20.  You'll discover you are overdrawn about two minutes after you realize you just used your last diaper and pay day is not for another two days. 

21.  You'll renew your vows and the day after everyone leaves your spouse will get the e-mail that his unit is mobilizing and deploying shortly after Christmas.  Not funny per se but it happened to us.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!


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