I have a confession to make. This last year, while Chris was deployed, was Chris' turn to grow in Christ. The last deployment it was my turn and I flourished, even though I faced a lot of adversity and obstacles. Well flourished spiritually that is . . . this time, not so much.
This in no way means I don't love God or think He couldn't carry me. But I suspect in the effort to steel myself so I could take care of the girls, I kind of shut my heart off to a lot of things, and sadly I know that included God. I also know for a fact I shut down and held myself away from my fellow brothers & sisters in Christ. I wish it were due to me just being a pain or stubborn, but it was born by the feelings of failure that happened while Chris deployed the first time.
I will leave it at this, when I attended an unnamed church, well lets just say the support was less than stellar. . . nough said on this topic.
So now as I sit here and reread The Shack and listen to the amazing cd "The Loving Kind" by Cindy Morgan, I am convicted. I know in my head that Jesus understands the fear of being failed, the pain of knowing that the people I foolishly believed would be there are the ones who dropped the ball and caused the most pain. I know Christ knows this, He shows us this in the Garden of Gethsemane and while I know in my head He never fails, it's in mankind that I find my faith in the good of man is seriously lacking.
Oddly enough while you would think I would become bitter and cynical, I find instead it makes me search even more so for the good in my fellow man and brothers and sisters in Christ. I search because I think deep inside I need to believe that not everyone fails you. Not every pastor looks at his flock with disdain, nor does it really mean that all people will gossip behind your back. Instead, I search in hopes that those who are struggling and hurting will find in me empathy and a shoulder.
So I offer my sincerest apologies to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Please forgive me for being hardened and for not giving you a chance to prove you wouldnt fail my family. Forgive my cynical view, but also please understand my distance was in an effort to protect you from yourselves as well. I wished to protect you from proving me right, or showing me that all in the Body are hypocrits and will fail. I retreated in an attempt to protect you from yourself, but also to protect you from me and my tongue which is much looser when I am under stress. I am not at my best when Chris is gone away, and the stress and strain of juggling it all even with God's help often gets the better of me. This means that at times I find it much harder to keep my tongue so in an effort to keep you safe from the thing which I know is one of my worst attributes, I withdrew and kept to myself.
I wish you all a good weekend and a safe Memorial Day. Please drive safe and return home safely if you travel.